I can't remember much of 2014. I mean I can't remember what happened in the news. I can't remember even one event that sticks out and that's because I stopped listening in 2014. 2014 was the year I took care of my mom in my home until she passed August 18th. I remember her birthday celebration on July 16th because she turned 90 and we were so pleased she managed her last milestone before she passed. I remember the endless parade of VON Nurses and palliative care workers who came to my home every day to take care of mom. I don't remember Christmas except the one in 2013 which was the last Christmas I spent with my mom, and I was going to make that so so special! I remember gardening like mad, planting annuals and more perennials because my mom wanted to see flowers. I remember our many chats out on the back deck, warming ourselves in the sunshine, watching the dogs play, sometimes in sheer silence because my mom was enjoying her last views of the world.
I remember those last moments with my mom.
A lot has changed since then. Early in the year I had lost a good paying job. It was a first for me to experience such fear. A different kind of fear then I was used to. This was a security issue. The fear of going bankrupt. In the end I lost my home that I had for 10 years. In fact the anniversary of when it sold was very close to the date I bought it, so almost 10 years exactly. I loved that home hence why I started the blog. I loved home decorating, gardening, home maintenance and stuff like that which prompted me to want to share my ideas. I had a knack as they say for decorating. Of course that stems directly from abhoring clutter. I just like pretty, organized and very simple vignettes. Things I had in my home had to balance always. I'm a libra! We don't have the scales of jutice for just show. It's all about the Ying and the Yang.
And then there was the garden, I loved my garden but it was a huge work in progress as most gardens are. But I still had a lot of ground to break. And not easy ground, we are talking the hilly kind with lots of big rocks. A lot of work. But I loved my garden and sadly I think I was just getting the right combination of perennials, annuals and shrubs so it had a nice full look to it. Gardeners know what I mean by that!
But now I have moved on. I did manage to get another job and just recently they extended my contract for another 3 months and gave me a good raise. I've moved to an apartment which has great views of the Bedford Basin and the bridges that span our harbour. I can watch the endless parade of sailboats as they glide unobstructed through the dark waters. The unit is not small, so I don't feel claustophobic and it has lots of sunlight which is the panacea of all ills I think. I've lived in a north facing apartment once and I hated it. I think the only time I got sun was in the early early mornings and I had to press my face up to the window to feel it's warmth. I never wanted to go back to that feeling of darkness again. I suffer from depression so I need all the support I can get, even if it's from the sun.
I have the comfort of a little money that I got from my home which is so nice to have after experiencing such heart pounding fear that I had when I thought I was going bankrupt. I never want to feel that again. I am almost fearful to spend money as I never want to go back. Which brings me to this blog. I started the blog to show off what I liked in home decor. The vignettes I thought were beautiful, and to show off what I was doing to my own home. I wanted to share my experience, knowledge and even show examples of what I though were brilliant (insert tongue in cheek) examples of my own home decor. But that was when I had my home and I no doubt felt I had lots to draw from. However, now, in an apartment where everything is new and will never be subjected to much change because it's not mine, I don't have much to draw from. The paint colors will never change. The knobs on kitchen cabinets will never change, nor will the light fixtures. What ciould possibly change might be the layout of furniture but even then there are few choices to draw from. The colors of my bedspread may change, which it has and the few add ons in accessories, but overall it's pretty boring. So the blog may change.
Removed from what I loved I am a little lost in my new identity, homeless. I don't quite know what is in store for me right now. I don't know where my next interest will come from. I am searching, redefining, reinventing a part of me. I will always love home decor but I'm almost relived that I no longer have a home that took so much of me to sustain. The obligation of owning a home confined my interests to that home. That's all I did. I painted and renovated. I gardened, and then gardened some more. I planned for those next steps and it took all my resources because they were labour intensive and I could only afford the product and never the labour. I was a prisoner. Yes, I was a prisioner.
So what is next? I do not know. But I have time, which I never had before, and I can search for my new beginning. And this blog might change to reflect that new interest, or, it may not. I'm still searching.
Always
Dorothy
