The saddest day of my life was August 18th, 2014 when my beloved mother passed from this world to the next. And since then there has not been a day, an hour, not a moment when I don't think of her and wonder what's to be come of me living without her.
As the day has grown colder, I am over come with sadness thinking about the months to come and dread how fast they will come. I want time to stand still for awhile while I grieve. I don't want to to see my birthday, or thanksgiving, or even Christmas. The thoughts of those days bring a hurt that is almost too much to bear. It's bad enough I can't see her today. It's sadly sureal, to not be able to call out her name, to kiss her one more time; to see her smile or crack a joke which she often did to make me smile.
The sadness is often paralyzing. I sit for what seems hours not sure what to do next, except to replay over and over, the last special moments we shared. The song that repeats in my head constantly is the last song we played to her on those special nights when alone in the dark, we would comfort her and reassure her that she was not alone and that we loved her with all our hearts.
That song was "In the Garden".
I often wake up in the mornings as if I'd been singing it all night long. But sadly, now it provides very little comfort, when before while she was here, I was so very comforted by that song. It's melody was so beautiful and the words so appropriate as everything this year was about the garden. Now sadly I look at the garden and I no longer see colors but black and white. I feel helplessly unjoyous about it all!
I wish often that time would just stop. I'm not ready to move on. I'm not ready for the next day or the day after next. I just want it all to stop for a long moment so my heart can catch up. I feel sadly disrespectful that that the next day can be lived without her. As easy as that!
There are very few friends whose parents are still here. They've shared this grief well before me, and I witness those occasions when I hear them reaching out. I see postings of birthdays, mother's day or father's day, and I know I'll become one of those. Hoping that she can still hear me, that indeed she is still with us well after she's vacated the premises.
Strangely to comfort you many will suggest that a moment will pass when you will feel her presence. A butterfly, a sign that her presence is still with you.
Everyday, I look. Please mom, show me a sign. I need you to show me that you're still there watching over me, guiding me, smiling with me, giving me the advice I really don't want, but right now...I'll take anything!
I guess she's a little busy right now. Reconnecting with all her past friends that have gone well before her. I guess I just need to be patient.
I know she has not forsaken me. And I have not forsaken her. I will continue to look and interpret all signs. I will try to hold her memory of her for as long as I can before it fades...fades...until silently l no longer wake to the song.
I dread that day.
